How the West was Wan

A scene from DaybreakerI saw Daybreakers last night, a movie that cleverly explores an alternate 2019 America in which vampires have taken over the world. (Why should zombies always be the ones to eliminate humanity? Why do vampires constantly have to hide in the shadows and keep their numbers limited? The concept of a world populated almost entirely by vampires was also explored in Kim Newman’s “Anno Dracula” series of books.)

While Daybreakers comes off feeling a little low-budget and B-movie in parts, and there are a few plot holes that don’t withstand scrutiny, it’s thoughtful, stylish, gory, engaging, and well-acted (possibly excepting Willem DaFoe, whose character, named Elvis, vamps [hah!] his southern accent a bit too too much).

Star Ethan Hawke’s character has the first name of “Edward.” The movie was made originally in 2007, long before the current Twilight craze, so it wasn’t an intentional reference. But it’s very unfortunate and distracting, even when some characters refer to him as Ed.

I woke up this morning with a $50 million dollar idea that I’m giving away here, because I couldn’t live with myself if I did this. Here’s what you do:

  1. Hook up with a nutritionist and come up with a vitamin cocktail formulated specifically to make up for chronic Vitamin D deficiency.
  2. Frappé it, add sugar water and a whole ton of caffeine, and add your (fictional) secret ingredient, “tauro-hemine,” which you say is synthesized from cow blood.
  3. Bite your tongue and a bullet and license Twilight. See if you can get away with only 20% of the gross.
  4. Slap Edward’s brooding mug on an ankh-shaped can.
  5. Call it “Twilight Red Thirst” and set up your distribution channel for every goth club and vintage clothing store in the land.
  6. Sure you’re splitting your gross with Stephanie Meyer, but after a couple of promotional campaigns and with a catchy slogan, soon you’ll be laughing all the way to the blood bank.

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2 Responses to “How the West was Wan”

  1. Tomi Says:

    Pretty crazy idea, but worth a try. I mean, you’ve got reality t.v. stars and then you have Twilight Red Thirst! Have you read Kim Newman’s books? How are they?

  2. Stephen Says:

    Tomi, yup, I’ve read the first three (a long time ago) and enjoyed them a lot.

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